fat

Ok so here it is.  I am fat.  I am.  I am not saying this to fish for compliments because I truly have become fat. Not just overweight or "I could lose a few pounds" actually fat.  According to my BMI (which may or may not be BS) I am obese.
My weight is something that has affected me nearly my whole life.  The first time I remember thinking I was fat was in 7th grade.  I was 12 years old.  I remember feeling the way my jeans would be tight and a little roll of flesh would go over them when I sat down.  Looking back, I was not fat then, just going through puberty and I had a little extra chub here and there.  Those thoughts stayed with me.  Even when I was cheerleading throughout high school and getting great workouts and I was in the best shape of my life, I still thought Iwas fat.  I weighed 140 pounds.
After my pregnancy, I lost all 40 pounds that I gained plus about 3 extra, probably from nursing.  When I stopped nursing, the weight started piling back on faster than I believed it could.  Before I knew it, I had gained 14 pounds back.  FOURTEEN.
I am so ashamed, disgusted, depressed and disappointed that I let this happen.  I need to change.  I've been saying this for years and not doing anything.  I kept waiting until the right time, which would be when exactly?  I always seem to have the perfect excuse, I have no time, I'm too tired, I have school work, etc.  What I am really saying is I'm too lazy, I'm too afraid, What if I fail?, etc.
This ends now.  I have NEVER EVER told people how much I weigh because it literally would cripple me with embarrassment.  I am hoping that since no one actually reads this, that I am still not telling anyone how much I weigh.  I am using this blog as a last ditch effort to turn my life around so Ican start enjoying it again.  As of this morning.  I weigh 192, stark naked.  Let the games begin.